How to Always See the Good in Others
April 18th, 2008 by Ryan
Think back to the last argument you got in. Do you remember what it was about?
Perhaps you remember how aggravating it was trying to get your point across to the other person?
You might have said to yourself, "If only they would open their eyes and realize that they being ______" (insert negative personality trait).
Relationships can be one of the most challenging and confusing parts of life. It easy to get caught up in the moment and see only the other person's shortcomings.
If you've read my article on How to Give Advice to Others, you'll remember how energy plays a big role in arguments.
The energy you are sending out is more important than the actual words you use.
Often times arguments are the result of stress, which means at least one person starts off the discussion in a negative emotional state (they are angry, worried, resentful, etc).
Since most people are reactive, they will try to protect themselves from this negative energy by becoming defensive and eventually go on the offense, leading to a long drawn out fight.
It takes a rare person to step back, and not only have compassion for the other person, but appreciate their unique goodness in that moment as well.
How can we do that?
Well before we get to that, let's do an exercise in awareness. This one is extremely powerful so be sure to only read on if you can do the exercise, otherwise reading how it works without doing it can spoil its power.
An Exercise In Awareness
(from David Deangelo's Mastery Program)
Step 1) Write down the names of 3 people you admire or respect (they can be from history or from your own personal life, whatever).
Step 2) Write down 3 qualities in them that you admire or respect.
Step 3) Write down the names of 3 people you disrespect or even hate.
Step 4) Write down 3 qualities in them that you disrespect and hate.
…
Don't continue reading until you have these down.
Ok got it?
I'm going to suggest that the three qualities in each person that you admire or respect are all aspects of yourself that are actually your strengths that you don't acknowledge enough, lead with enough, or develop enough.
They are projections of your underdeveloped strengths.
You already have these strengths and you can see how powerful they are but you project them onto others. You aspire to be like these people in some way and don't realize that you have the same seeds of greatness within you; you just have to develop them more.
I'm also going to suggest that the three qualities in each person that you disrespect or hate are all aspects of yourself that are actually your current weaknesses that you don't acknowledge, come to grips with, or accept in yourself.
They are projections of your rejected strengths. (Aka, your shadow).
They are actually strengths that you are viewing in a negative light, which then causes you to reject them completely in yourself and in others.
For example, when I did this exercise, I chose one of my personal mentors as someone I admired because he is a great leader, is very confident, and has a powerful presence. I realized that these were all aspects of myself that were I just needed to develop and work on.
As for someone who I disrespected, I chose Fidel Castro because I viewed him as a manipulative, lying, dictator who mistreated the Cuban people.
What I discovered was that these were all strengths within myself that I had been rejecting because I only viewed the negative side of them. They are all positives that are taken to an extreme; they are good traits that have become unbalanced.
When rapport, charisma, and leadership become unbalanced and are taken to an extreme, they can become manipulation, lies, and control as is the case with Fidel Castro. If you take any characteristic too far, it becomes its opposite.
All negative traits are simply good traits that have gone out of balance.
Bravery taken too far becomes bravado; affection taken too far can become neediness; self-improvement taken too far can become self-criticism.
When one rejects the negative side of any trait, they also unknowingly reject the positive side of it too.
So how does this play into conflict in relationships, especially in the midst of arguments?
When we get caught up in the moment and see only the other person's negative qualities, we are really seeing parts of ourself that we have rejected.
The world is our mirror.
Instead of focusing on the negative trait, ask yourself "what is the good side of this trait?"
A worrisome parent becomes a loving parent that is unbalanced. A lying salesmen becomes a charismatic salesmen who is unbalanced. A nagging girlfriend becomes an affectionate girlfriend who is unbalanced.
Now instead of resisting their negative quality, you are appreciating their good quality that just got out of whack at the moment.
So you may ask, "How do I balance them out?"
That's not really your job, that's theirs (unless they ask you for help). Though what you can do is stay balanced yourself, since it usually helps them to come back into balance.
What most people do when an unbalanced person cuts them off on the road or calls them up screaming, is they react by becoming unbalanced themselves.
It's just like Cesar Milan in the show The Dog Wispherer. He says that in order to train a dog to be calm, you must first be calm.
Lead by example.
So how do we stay balanced in these kinds of situations?
Compassion.
Compassion for others comes from self-acceptance. When one accepts all of their own imperfections, they automatically accept those imperfections in others.
This is why self acceptance is so crucial; it allows you to not only have better relationships with others, it also unlocks many hidden powers that you have been rejecting.
For example, for many years I dedicated much of my life to improving myself. I wanted to cultivate business skills, workout my body, develop charisma, all so I could get closer to becoming this ideal self image that I had created in my mind.
As I moved along with my self improvement, every now and then a small imperfection would surface and I would brush it away as fast as possible. It was like a shadow that followed me no matter where I went and the faster I ran the faster it followed me.
After a while of repressing this imperfection, this human part of myself, it started to overpower me. One time when I was in college, I had to get up to give a presentation to the class. I had done this many times and was getting very good at it. This time though my throat tightened up and I couldn't speak.
It was to such a great degree I physically could not speak, my voice was nearly totally blocked. I had to leave the room to get some water and wait a few minutes before continuing. I didn't feel nervous or anxious and I didn't understand why this happened.
The presence of this shadow led me to have extreme difficulties with some of my close friends. I was so motivated to improve myself and I rejected my imperfection so much, that I would often get into disagreements with my friends.
They weren't very motivated to change themselves, so when we got in disagreements I would focus on their negative traits. I would say "Can't he see that he is being ___ (wasteful with money, manipulative with others, and so on)."
I saw their self-acceptance as laziness and they saw my strive for self improvement as being a naive follower. We both projected our shadow onto the other person and then rejected them for displaying that trait that we were running from.
It was not until I worked on myself doing many self acceptance meditations (which can be found in Revive Your Sex Drive eBook along with a tuning fork audio), internalizing the chakra frames, and working with my energy healer, that I was able to come to grips with my own imperfections. I finally accepted myself in that moment and released years self rejection.
The result has been incredible. Now that I have integrated those aspects of myself that I had always rejected, that inherent humanness and imperfection, I can now dramatically improve my relationships with others.
I no longer get upset with others when they "aren't perfect" because I accept that part of myself. When others are fearful, angry, or anxious, it doesn't bother me much. I understand how they feel because I've been there.
Having integrated those parts of myself, I can begin to transcend them.
Of course, there are still a few shadows that I may have but most of them are ok with me now.
If you have a healer or chakra teacher that you work with, they can help you on this journey to self acceptance as well.
Of course, the easiest way is to simply sit in a quiet room, place your hands over you heart, and repeat "I accept myself just the way I am, even though I'm not perfect."
That's it.
Do it once or twice a day and you will begin to peel away the layers towards compassion.
So remember, the next time you get into a heated discussion, ask yourself:
"What part of this person do I dislike in this moment?" and then,
"What part of myself is being reflected back to me?" and lastly,
"Am I willing to accept this person exactly as they are?"
Stumble it!
April 19th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Amazing article!!!!!
Thanks for posting it
bigsend’s last blog post..The Law of Attraction
April 20th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Fantastic writing as usual Ryan. It’s not often I read a whole blog post – but I keep doing it with yours.
Also downloading the ebook right now, will be interesting to read.
Thanks for sharing, this is really great.
Alex Kay’s last blog post..On Being a Man
April 20th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Sorry about the unrelated comment, but I had to tell you I stumbled across your blog and was stunned by your design. It’s amazing. I read your article about how you created it…it’s really fantastic! Good work.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Excellent article, Ryan! The exercise in awareness showing me projections of my own underdeveloped strengths was particularly eye-opening. Thanks for that!
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Excellent article {{Ryan}} !!!
There is a simple thing I learned to practice when it comes to energy of conflict. I learned that no matter what, the 1st thing out of my mouth was “I understand.”
IMMEDIATELY, *conflict* was/is diffused, simply because I chose not to conflict with ‘whatever’. AFTER dispelling the energy of *conflict*, since my statement leaves nothing to *conflict* with, THEN genuine communications can continue.
Most of the time when we argue, we’re arguing over our perspective being heard. Well…we can hear it without validating it.
And one of the things to remember about arguing, is that what we don’t consider worth it, we don’t argue about. Just arguing expresses genuine feelings of value exist within the relationship.
Sue Ann Edwards’s last blog post..Coping skills
April 24th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Hey Bigsend, cool to see you writing about the law of attraction.
Alex, thanks man that means a lot.
Hey hair removal person. thanks for the good words, If I have any nasty moles with hair I will be sure to look you up 🙂
Hey Ariel, that’s great man! It’s one more powerful tool to learn how to appreciate one’s own unique qualities.
Sue Ann, feeling understood is key. You are right on the money with expressing understanding off the bat. Most people don’t seem open to anything you say until they feel understood. There is something comforting and relaxing about having another person acknowledge what you’ve said. That’s one of the things I try to do when responding to comments…acknowledge and then speak. It’s just much more easy going that way. Thanks for the valuable thoughts.
April 25th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Ryan – nice post. I’d to mention that one added benefit of looking for the good in others is that in time, they will exhibit more of the behavior you focus on and acknowledge as being good. It fits into my “womanizing” method: I try not to “fix” what is wrong, but polish the good inside of them until it shines.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Great post!
I’d like to add something though for the last line:
“Am I willing to accept this person exactly where they are ?”
May 12th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Bart, yes! That is a great point that many people totally overlook to their own peril. The personality traits that you focus on most in others are the ones that you reinforce in your relationship with them. You literally attract different traits by your attention to them.
Tuplad, that’s a good addition, I just added it. Thanks.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Great post. I have a question:
I know a person (I can’t avoid) who brags, tries to act like a teacher and evaluates me with shit like “your a city-born-child right?” (supposed good thing) etc.
I feel I hate the guy and sometimes fear I might have these traits myself.
What are the good side of these negative traits?
June 26th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Well you would know better than I would though I can say that my friends who are braggers and a bit arrogant at times, can also be pretty funny and sociable.
September 6th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
All I can say is “WOW”. Do I have some reflecting to do. I honestly had a hard time picking the 3 that I admire or respected but found it very flowing to right down 3(well more than that came up) for the disrespect or hated category. Don’t know what that really says about me right now, but this has definitely opened me up to a new light so to speak. BTW, wonderful design, this is my first time here but I’m so glad I found it today. It really was what I needed to read.
Pams last blog post..Picking an NJ Laser Hair Removal Doctor or Clinic
September 12th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Hi Pam, Thanks for the kind words 🙂 Yeah for people who genuinely do the list of characteristics and are at least willing to look at themselves honestly, it can be a very powerful exercise. This one practice of being aware of our shadow sides can be one of the most empowering experiences available to us. I’ll be writing more on this soon, in the context of how holding grievances drains our energy and withholds our power…and it has more to do with that shadow part of us.
September 28th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I just read your article and loved it! I know your site says it’s for men, but your advice is good for woment too! Keep up the good work!
Julies last blog post..When will the “chicken littles” get over it?
October 4th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Being from a family that always finds the “bad” in people, and not the “good” I have to say “thank you” for helpin me to re-evaluate what I was “taught” growing up.
Todds last blog post..IHOP was nasty
October 19th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Hi Julie, thanks for the good words 🙂 Yeah my blog’s stuff is really applicable for everyone but my products are going to be more centered to men, and focusing it in this way helps me to create a stronger message.
Todd, great to hear man. Its at those times when we do a mental 180 on something that was causing us stress that are the most exciting moments. Cheers!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I am glad I had a chance to read your message, if you have more vein thearpy information elsewhere let me know or post it here.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Excellent article, Ryan! The exercise in awareness showing me projections of my own underdeveloped strengths was particularly eye-opening. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge with me.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:29 am
This was really a nice article. It seems to give an idea on the importance on how to look good for others. Your idea would be more appreciative for which you have contributed more knowledge to the people who have been conscious with own personality.
November 17th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Yeah, I also have a lot of argument with my mom and yet i always say sorry when she cry…LOL i have a story to share with you guys. I heard this story from y friend
A child was brought to the hospital. and a doctor cure the child, the mother said to the doctor that i don`t have enough money to pay you but please take this hand made wallet of mine. the doctor reply and said i don`t practice for sentimental reason give me a 1,000 dollar.. The mother open the wallet and get the 5,000 dollar and give the doctor 1,000 dollar and said you are a good doctor but i hope your a better person…
January 9th, 2010 at 10:18 pm
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May 20th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
Fidel Castro would always be an icon of history evethough he is against the U.S.-,-
June 5th, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Ryan, thank you so much. You do not know how much this post has helped me. It is so
simple, logical and true. It is just what I needed to hear, especially today. Thank you so much : ).
September 8th, 2010 at 1:15 am
Great article! really appreciate you writing this. The article highlights one of my main points – can you accept the good parts and the bad parts of this person.
Once again great article
September 16th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Acceptance will play a big role. If you accepted that they are just human and not perfect, it would be easy to see the goodness in them.
February 11th, 2011 at 12:51 am
This theme is true. I always try to see the good in others, but I don’t know why?!