How Do You Empower Someone?
June 7th, 2008 by RyanIf you're reading this article, then you are probably someone who wants to make your life better by empowering yourself and those close to you through teaching, sharing knowledge, and evolving personally.
So how do you empower someone? If you have learned something that is of great benefit to yourself and others, how do you teach it to another person?
Surely you tell them how much better their life would be with this new knowledge. Surely you explain exactly what they should do and exactly how they should do it.
A good teacher is one who explains every step in detail and instructs their student each step along the way….right?
In my experience of learning, teaching, and sharing knowledge, I have found something very counter-intuitive going on in these situations.
Many times when I had tried to share my most powerful knowledge with others, I was met with resistance.
Many times when I explained the precise instructions for others to follow, they either resisted my teaching or became dependent on me for guidance.
I came to realize there is a critical element that many of us are unaware of…
Integrity.
What is integrity? Better yet, what role does it play in regards to teaching and empowering others?
Integrity is defined as:
1. The quality or state of being complete or undivided; being whole.
2. Steadfast adherence to a code of moral or ethical values, incorruptibility.
I define integrity as:
The state of being connected to source energy in such a way that one's thoughts, words, and actions are aligned as one.
So let me ask you, if a knowledgeable teacher instructs you to do something "for your own good" yet your gut tells you not to do it, what is the integritous thing to do?
If you have a thought or feeling, yet you act according to someone else's opposing thought or feeling, are you not out of integrity?
True integrity means you act in accordance with what you are thinking and feeling, and you speak or write in accordance with what you are thinking and feeling.
We become out of integrity when we quiet ourselves from speaking our truth or when we restrain ourselves from taking the action that we long to take.
Usually this is done out of fear. Fear that others will no longer accept us if we take the action we really want to take, fear that we will lose something if we speak what is really on our mind. So instead, we speak what we think others want to hear or act to what others expect of us.
As teachers, we experience the opposite side of this coin. When we give advice, we may be robbing the other person of the greatest opportunity for power available to them…
The power of decision.
True power comes at the moment of decision. For when a person makes a decision, they are lining up their thoughts, feelings, words, and actions.
They are stepping into integrity.
We often share our knowledge with someone (our thoughts and feelings) and then recommend that they take a specific action. The other person may or may not have enough information to align their own thoughts and feelings to that action.
If they do not have enough information, they will resist taking the action. Why? Because if they take action based on your thoughts and your feelings, they have stepped out of their integrity.
Aren't the most powerful teachers the ones who do least to convince others of their wisdom?
Instead they teach with riddles or questions; anything to provoke thought within the student. For the power for true change occurs when the student makes a decision, that moment of inner realization; not when he takes a specific action.
The power is in the decision to act, not the action itself.
The decision is the lining up of integrity which builds the foundation for power and fuels the energy that is needed to carry out that action.
There is an appropriate time for specific and direct action plans. It is when the student has already made a decision to learn.
Have you ever noticed that over-bearing parents seem to have children who have trouble owning their own strength and making decisions?
Think of the classic example of a parent pushing their child to go to a certain college. If power came from action alone, then going to the right college would empower their child. Yet it doesn't; it comes from entrusting others with the decision.
Decisions build power.
Wouldn't it be better if that parent provided the support for their child going to that college by giving them some articles about the school's expertise, getting them in touch with relatives or alumni who went there, or otherwise focusing on the good aspects of it and then left it up to their child?
The power is in the decision because, in the decision, one takes responsibility for their actions and learns to create self-trust (which is the foundation for power).
You may have noticed this approach on this blog in the way I write. I ask many questions and propose many thought provoking ideas, yet rarely give direct instructions. At the most, I offer suggestions or examples of what I have done.
This is because I do not want to make decisions for you. I want to offer you the conclusions I have reached along with some background knowledge so that you have the opportunity to make a decision for yourself.
In the Yang Town products, I am slightly more direct and action oriented since there is a subtle agreement that has taken place. For example, in Revive Your Sex Drive, if you are downloading it, then you are already making a decision to improve your sex drive. Since this decision has fueled you to take the action necessary to download it, I will offer more direct suggestions so that you can use that energy to revive your sex drive.
If, on the other hand, I was mass emailing people saying "read this book, it will revive your sex drive", then I would be robbing them (to some extent) of the opportunity to decide to improve their sex drive on their own. There would be less energy invested on their part because they did not make a decision and the book itself would be far less empowering.
So in this respect, we empower others by building the support for them to make a decision.
We offer them the knowledge that has served us and allow the essence of who we are to serve as an example to inspire them….then, we let go.
Stumble it!
June 7th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Teaching is best seen as graduated exposure to the material at hand.
The focus should be on learning.
Lecturing others on our experience won’t lead to them changing – but this is hardly surprising. Upping the ‘persuasion’ is just awful to experience and leads – not surprisingly – to greater resistance.
Evan’s last blog post..Lung Cancer and Fruit and Vegetables
June 8th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I would love to see more thoughts from you about creating integrity within yourself.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Like you mention above, in whatever degree you lessen a persons ownership of a decision you alter to the same degree their rewards for making it.
Nice post Ryan, I’m really vibing with what you’re saying.. In a way, we touched on this theme before. Many people offer advice to aggrandize themselves, and not to genuinely help others. My dad would often tell me, “Don’t help unless it helps.” – which makes a lot more sense now that I’m a man.
Also, over the last few months I’ve been incorporating the phrase, “Why do you say that?”, and it’s been liberating. Not only do I get a better understanding of the person and potential challenges, but I often put off the phrase, “If I were you I’d…”. One of the reasons it’s been so beneficial for me is that I came up with the idea and nobody but me helped me implement it. It wasn’t so much the quality of the idea, but the fact that I owned the whole process. It was 100% me.
I love to read when people post detailed comments like, “I tried this and this …I’ve had a bunch of experiences now with it now, and it really changed my life.”
On that side note, there are a few things I’d like see, maybe as an informational product.
First, I’d like to learn more about how yang men make and manage their money.
Second, I’d like to see a collage of short biographies on true, powerful masculine men. Men who have been successful in living their passions and purpose. I’d like to see how these men relate to the women in their lives, how they create the spaces in which they live, and hear a portion of their life philosophy. I don’t care about fame – these guys could be your next door neighbors. You could pick three or four different guys with vastly different backgrounds and paths. A spiritual mystic, a successful entrepreneur, a fighter, a farmer, a family man, an enlightened pick up artist. I’d like to see a flash of these men’s lives, in context with who they are.
– Bart
Bart’s last blog post..Essentials of Jujitsu Groundwork Seminar
June 21st, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Greetings!
Interrrrrresting topic…smiling.
One of the things I have found that is most empowering for others, is a teacher who has NO ego investment in whether the student learns or not. As in…I share, take it or leave it. To your own heart be true.
While the ways of our world are shifting as we type, there will be many of us who choose to hold on to old ways of thinking and being and whose soul’s desires are not to experience empowerment during this lifetime.
Emotionally enabling is what a teacher needs to avoid at all costs. And of course, deifying or glorifying ANY and ALL acts of force are to be avoided, also. Because just simply a use of force reveals inner weakness and lack of discipline when it comes to Mastery. It’s unavoidable and understandable to be weak, coming from where our societies have been coming from. It simply is not wise to advertise it.
Besides, who is going to listen to a weak teacher on the subject of empowerment?
Sue Ann Edwards’s last blog post..Let It Begin With Me
June 26th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Evan, I agree about consistent exposure to the material (and energy of the teacher) as a method of teaching. Thanks for the comment pherocharm, I’m sure I have a few more integrity posts that will come out of me soon.
Bart, yes exactly. I agree we are on seemingly similar themes about advice giving with others. I’m realizing that the whole process I go through may culminate in an action here or there which is where my breakthroughs will manifest yet it is the whole process that is the important part.
If I recommend any of those actions isolated from the whole process then they don’t seem to deliver the same results to others. Which puts it all into context of how most advice is really not that helpful at all because it usually lacks awareness of where that person is along that specific journey.
The willingness of the other person seems to be the greatest determinate of whether something will work for them or not.
June 26th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Hey Sue Ann. Yes the truth has no agenda, therefore it does not require anything of the student. I agree, no one wants to listen to a weak teacher yet many people still misinterpret force for power. Soon people will start to become more aware of the difference…
July 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Hi Ryan!
The path to Mastery is one of Self Mastery…you know that already. Upon this path, none other then ourselves can do it.
And “discernment” is one of the lessons we learn on the way. Maybe greater understanding can be gleaned from viewing reality as a rubberband, rather then parts in conflict. Such as: Is lying an issue or gullibility?
Sue Ann Edwards’s last blog post..A dilemma?
July 9th, 2008 at 1:00 am
Yes Sue Ann, great point. Expand the context enough and one will eventually see the innocence of the person, this is how true forgiveness takes place. A course in miracles has been a great help in this area for me.
September 21st, 2008 at 12:40 am
This is definitely a post that everyone can relate to.
I think trusting other people to make a decision always does a world of good to that person.
But the thing is we need to know whom to give that opportunity to.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:16 am
It is hard, there are people out there who are born to rebel, who just wants to defy and who just does not understand. What do I do for people who even refuses to listen to me?
October 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Hey Psychic, yeah its all about trusting people, the freeing part is trusting everyon1 100% to be exactly who they are. This type of let go is very relieving and empowering to ourselves and to them.
Visa services, why do you need others to listen to you? I would look within to see where that is coming from. What others do, say, or think is frankly none of my business. If they do something that I can clearly see is not in their best interest, then the best I can do is offer my assistance but ultimately I honor their choice.
In the grand scheme of things, I can not know what is best for their path. Sometimes we have to take a step back to take 2 steps forward and if someone else is taking a step back I allow them to do so.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
The best way to make someone work is to give them more and more responsibilities. That is where you’ve hit the nail on the head. Great going!
But let me ask you something, how valid is integrity is this new world? How can be just know what is right and what is wrong?
February 6th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Hey givebacktoyourself, thats a great point about knowing what is right and wrong. For me it comes down to accessing and listening to my own inner intuition. For most people, they are constantly receiving information from their intuition its just that they have yet to muster the courage to act on it.
Many people who seek “advice” already know what to do, they are usually just looking for permission or reassurance to act or excuses to not act. The best way I’ve found is to quiet the mind and be alone and then connect with that deeper inner part of me and then find out what is right for me at that moment.
May 30th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
This was a hard to swallow, espacially the part about integrity. Nevertheless, it was needed. Thanks for sharing this. I shall be like a student and learn from it.
.-= francis´s last blog ..Personal integrity…for what? =-.
July 8th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Hi! I just wanted to drop rapidly a friendly comment below. Do you mind We’ve bookmarked this page? Thank you so very much for this helpful content!
March 16th, 2011 at 1:51 am
Hi Ryan
Interesting post. Here’s some thoughts. Much of life is the undoing of something that shouldn’t have been done, or could have been done differently. Life’s an inner game, everything hinges on the self, so self mastery is the key.
As humans, we’re given the ability to think at a higher level. Unfortunately, often we don’t. Or at least, not in the way we were designed to. For many, ‘free will’ or ‘free thinking’ is just their belief system in disguise.
The best teachings clear away the fog, so people’s unique power can surface. We broaden the channel by opening it, rather than by constricting it. When we’re in the flow, there are few obstacles or problems. When we become more (of our-self), we need less. And the control is in letting go of the control. Trying to control only reinforces what we’re trying to escape from.
Some words of wisdom from the Tao; “The master accomplishes much without doing”. Know thyself, and self mastery, that’s the key. I’ve created a programme around that, it may be of interest.
1-on-1 Self Mastery Programme