Fulfillment Is Found Not Through Attainment But By Letting Go
July 29th, 2008 by Ryan
What are you seeking in your life right now?
Do you believe this next job, person, or skill will lead to you feeling happy and fulfilled?
For many years I was all about self-improvement. I loved finding new programs that would allow me to be better at body language, communication, business, psychology, and so on.
I somehow fell into the attitude that the good life is "out there" and the way to get there is by becoming more.
There was a subtle and unspoken belief that myself, at the moment, was not good enough; hence the reason for self-improvement.
This notion followed me everywhere. I would work out at the gym so that one day I would have attained a strong and muscular body and would then have the confidence and status I sought.
I wished for a beautiful girlfriend to come into my life so I could attain the love and affection I sought.
The only thing was, this type of plan was a failure right from the start.
Once a person subscribes to the notion that their fulfillment is "out there," they have created a pattern. (Another way to look at it is that they have jumped into a specific stream of energy, one of need and lack).
The thing with patterns (or energy streams), is that once a person is in them, it's a bit tougher to turn them around.
This means that even if a person gets what they want, they are so consumed by the pattern, they will find something wrong with what they've attained and continue on with a new version of the pattern.
In my case, I worked out at the gym for a few years and got in pretty good shape. My friends would compliment me and others would notice and for a while I felt great.
Yet ultimately, I was not fulfilled and this need to be more transformed from getting in shape into becoming good with women.
I would tell myself, "No, this is it. Once I learn how to attract women, that's when I'll really be happy. Just this one thing and I'll be good."
So I learned all kinds of dating techniques and concepts and started dating a beautiful girlfriend.
And again, for a short while, I was happy and seemingly fulfilled.
Yet there is something interesting that I realized.
Anything that is built from the energy of neediness will eventually drain itself and collapse; either slowly or in one fell swoop.
Building something on the premise that it will fulfill you is like building on shakey ground.
Once a person realizes that a thing isn't going to fulfill them (usually after they achieve it), they neglect it.
They do this because they never really wanted that thing in the first place; they wanted what they thought it would bring them. Without the end result, they might as well throw the rest away.
So of course, once I had "attained" a beautiful girlfriend, I ended up having problems and realized that I knew barely anthing about relationships.
Again, I went in search of something else to fulfill me. This is what led me to Ideagasms and Stephanes programs (along with many other books and programs you'll find in the resources section).
Luckily for me, his programs taught self-acceptance using the 7 Chakras as the framework.
The key is accepting yourself wherever you are, since that brings you back into the present moment (which is where all your power is).
You allow yourself to be fulfilled right now rather than sometime in the future (when you reach some goal).
So I worked with his chakra program along with other various teachings and methods (such as EFT and TAT) over the past 2 years and was able to ground myself into the reality of being fulfilled right now.
One of the chakra frames that Stephane really hammers in is "I accept myself just the way I am, even though I'm not perfect."
As I kept focusing on that one, intuitively I started letting go of things; unhealthy habits, unecessary possessions, unpleasant jobs, certain relationships, various positions.
The more I let go, the easier it was to go within and experience joy and fulfillment. There was no logical reason why I should; my health was a mess, my credit cards were racked up, my datings skills were at a major low, my business was not working.
Yet none of that mattered.
I made a conscious decision to accept myself just the way I was, no matter what.
The more I let go, the better life became. (This is what I'm still working on and what better way to internalize this attitude than to share it with others).
Everything improved on its own.
I realized that our default state is vibrant health, our default state is abundance, our default state is joy.
If we aren't experiencing these states, it means we must let go of something.
It means our energy is tied up in something and by letting it go, we are taking back our power.
Just look at toddlers and you can observe this inner fulfillment in action; you can see it in their eyes.
They find tremendous joy in dirt and plants and bugs. They don't need anything to be happy, they just are.
Yet somehow, along the road of life, we forgot that we are the source of our own happiness and began to seek it "out there."
Is it any wonder why so many of the pop stars and cultural icons have such personal turmoil? They have reached what many seek as the dream of glamor and fame and have come to realize it didn't give them what they really wanted.
The real desire is for a connection with spirit, to feel our innate inner being flowing through us as vibrant and joyful energy.
Spiritual work is the process of letting go of all that is not us.
As we chip away at the illusions we have bought into, we free our energy and we allow our life experience to jump dramatically.
Then, as we are free, we are in a better place to build sustainable creations because they are created out of a loving fulfilment rather than a resenting lack.
In this way, they are grounded in the power of the universe rather than the force of the neediness.
Ask yourself, what possessions are using up your energy?
What relationships, career choices, or habits, are draining you?
What positions are you holding onto that are causing you conflict with yourself and others?
Fulfillment is available to you right now.
Are you willing to let go?
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Stumble it!
July 29th, 2008 at 1:46 am
Aren’t you like totally romanticizing a state of inaction and stagnation by doing this?
July 29th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Jack –
I can definitely see how you can interpret it like that. While I think there’s a part of this idea that just says, “Chill out, man”, I take it more as advice on consolidating your energy and who you are. There should still be plenty of action but a person you’re coming from an entirely different place. It’s an inside out thing – immune to the ego and nitpicking of self doubt.
When you are centered, you find that who you are is filled with all sorts of fascinating quirks, likes and dislikes. You’ll still go after the things you like but from a different perspective. (Disinterest is different than detachment) For me, you put the man together and his world falls into place. Always trying to be someone or extending beyond yourself to chase happiness in some thing, you dissipate your power, your being.
Anyway, that’s my quick 2 cents.
Barts last blog post..Less is More
July 29th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Hi Ryan,
I don’t think it is needs that is the problem but being mistaken about what they are.
A strong body is not the same as a need for recognition – so it could never meet this need.
I think the problem is that the things we want sometimes represent other things.
Evans last blog post..Overwhelmed – two ways to deal with it
July 30th, 2008 at 5:27 am
Great advice so long as long you have balance between the two extremities.
August 6th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Good stuff.
If I should add something, I would say that you should also “drop” the thought that being “perfect” in fact is, perfect.
Always strive for your best, don’t strive to be perfect.
Perfectionism doesn’t exist (at least not to me)
Great post nonetheless, keep it up Ryan.
Best regards from Paris,
Alex
August 6th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I love how your posts are framed in your real-life journey. There’s a transparency and authenticity and VALUE that is unarguable. It’s like, “maybe he’s right on the mark, maybe not – this is real for him right now… right on!”
Thanks for joining me on my Gender Synergy 101 call tonight. It was great to have your fresh and wise presence!
August 8th, 2008 at 4:13 am
many years ago when I was just a fledgling a master mountaineer taught me that the only way to attain a summit or to be successful on a climb was by letting go – not physically, of course as gravity has something to say in that issue – but mentally. By freeing yourself of “summit fever”; the desire to get to the top you are able to enjoy the journey and lo! before you know it the summit appears. If you readers are experiencing frustration in this matter or are sceptical then i only have this to say – go climb a mountain!
It’s Zen Jim but not as we know it.
A
August 11th, 2008 at 4:20 am
I agree that accepting who you are and being present in this moment is the foundation of everything else. Without that, you stagnate or just run around in circles.
The other half that I have found to be true is defining a purpose for being here. I understood the part about being present to the Now for a long time, but I still felt unfulfilled because I hadn’t defined a direction for myself.
Neds last blog post..Your Last Year To Live: What are you going to do with it?
August 25th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
[…] it because we have not attained all those things in life we believe to be important such as the ideal body, career, and social […]
August 27th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
That is of course what the Buddha thought us. The problem is wanting. As soon as this disappears, only happiness remains.
However, to get there is a long and difficult path. I am also looking into EFT now, but also in the Sedona Method that I found to be very powerful.
Olivier @ brainwave meditations last blog post..MindMovies
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Bart, well put man. That’s some great words of wisdom. Jack, I can understand how it may seem like “letting it go” will result in no action though in my experience it works a bit differently.
Once I’ve let go of something, what I’ve really done is let go of the attachment to something. When we let go of our attachments all thats left is our essence; our true intentions.
All those things that we thought would give us fulfillment are created by the ego and because of that they are ultimately a drain on our energy and happiness. As we let go of our attachments to finding fulfillment outside of ourselves, we no longer take those types of draining actions.
Instead, our action comes from joy and love, meaning all our activites will be things that enliven us, energize us, and allow us to enjoy the present moment.
It’s like the 80/20 rule where 20 percent of our action creates 80 percent of our success. Well what if you just let go of the 80 percent that was a waste of time? Sure you would be taking less action but you would be free to enjoy life more.
Ariel wrote a good post about this here:
http://www.arielbravy.com/enlightenment/losing-interest-in-lifes-activities/
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Evan, yes it comes down to the intention behind the activity. The thing is though, when we let go of our attachment to fulfilling our needs, we allow them to be fulfilled.
Stylehabits, thanks for the comment. The balance is found not in the activity but in the willingness to make peace with the way life is, from here one can take creative action with ease.
Alex, yeah man, when one can be ok with what they perceive as imperfect, they realize their own perfection. Thanks for the addition!
Justice, thanks man I appreciate it and good talking with you the other night as well.
Aran, thanks for the words of wisdom. Now that is one intense way to let go, lol.
Ned, exactly! running around in circles is a good way to describe action that comes out of the need or the search for fulfillment. Taking action doesnt necessarily mean you are making progress…and what you may perceive as stagnating may actually be the foundation for a whole new you.
As for finding your purpose, in my experience, the more one lets go, the more space is cleared for one’s purpose to rise to the surface. It is not possible to not live your purpose, its just that you may or may not be aware that you are living it.
Oliver, yes I have now come to understand what the buddha says about desires though the path does not need to be long and hard. it can be fun and enjoyable when one is connected to spirit and the present moment.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
[…] is why I said fulfillment is found not through attainment but by letting go. In the letting go, we are releasing our attachment to that which we have sought […]
August 11th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Nice post, and a great reminder of what is important. EFT, along with many other healing methods, focuses on self acceptance without contingencies.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Great stuff! I’m wondering if you know of any meditation forums at all? Thanks 🙂
September 25th, 2009 at 2:57 am
Nice post! Just one question, is this related to what Tim Mann was speaking about on his blog?
June 15th, 2011 at 3:02 am
Excellent Post! Sure is a good reminder of what is important!
Mel
Dog Grooming Toronto
August 30th, 2011 at 2:52 am
I have the same problem as you, searching for newer and better things, never finding any real fulfillment. Constantly on the move for self-improvement. Maybe perfection is just an ideal, we never will reach it.
August 17th, 2012 at 9:08 am
I am seeking to find peace of my life right now and I am seeking what I want to my life.
November 2nd, 2012 at 3:18 am
yes., i think, this is what i need to tell to myself.
October 2nd, 2013 at 2:13 pm
This means that even if a person gets what they want, they are so consumed by the pattern, they will find something wrong with what they’ve attained and continue on with a new version of the pattern.
You couldn’t have said it better, thank you!
April 6th, 2016 at 3:42 am
[…] discussed in the post, Fulfillment is Found Not Through Attainment but by Letting Go, we can see that by letting go of something we want in advance, we actually make it much easier to […]
July 21st, 2016 at 1:58 pm
Thank you so much for your wonderful article.
Your whole site answered many questions which were running for long time in my mind.