Latest Post: Why Your Fear of the Feminine (and of Being Gay) is Severely Holding You Back with Women

Why Your Fear of the Feminine (and of Being Gay) is Severely Holding You Back with Women

March 5th, 2016 by Ryan

As men, we pride ourselves in being manly men…and NOT girly men (as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say).  For most guys, the mere suggestion that we are gay or "pussy" is a huge insult.  As a result, the average guy is extremely resistant to anything relating to being "not manly."  

This means anything feminine and especially anything overtly gay.  Could this attitude being holding us back when it comes to women and dating?  Could it be holding us back in our work and career?  Could it be the reason we get stuck in addictions and self-sabotage?

For myself, I have only been with women my whole life (and I plan to keep it that way) yet I have come to the inner realization that so much of my energy was pushing against gayness and being feminine…thinking they were the same thing, and even worse thinking they were wrong.  

This was a HUGE mistake. 

For several years, I embarked on a deep spiritual journey into the depths of the psyche (that's how this blog came into being).  Part of spiritual work is the ability to completely surrender to a high power…an act that requires being open and accepting to feminine energy within one's self. 

As I gave myself full permission to explore the feminine energy, I found an entirely new world open to me.  An incredibly soothing, relaxing, calmness washed over me.  I discovered a deep acceptable of myself and others, and a feeling of fulfillment – something I had been searching for in women, booze, and other quick fixes.  

It was as if a second half of me was born.  

In fact, it did.  As a newborn, I had to tend to this part of me; actively grow and nurture it until it could stand on it's own.  I watched as this part of me grew from a baby to a child, then a teenager, and then an adult.

Each step, requiring active care and attention.  By the time it reached what I consider "mature adulthood", my relationships with women completely changed.

Women responded to me totally differently.  They trusted me almost instantly.  They enjoyed my company, and I enjoyed theirs. I loved women and I loved being around them.  

As I stepped back into the masculine, having integrated this part of me, I refocused on developing my sex drive and sexual attraction with women.  My life had transformed.  Meeting and dating women was so natural and effortless because I genuinely cared for each women I met and dated.  

As I began coaching guys to get to this similar success, I realized many of them were getting stuck and not reaching the same lifestyle and mindset I had.  As I looked back, I began to figure out a huge piece of the puzzle…

As I had progressed in developing my feminine side, there were many moments where I was acutely aware of how much the average guy is deathly afraid of being gay.  It's so extreme, it's laughable.  It's like – if you're attracted to women, who cares what someone else says about you?!  Seriously, why does it trigger such rage in most guys?

My theory goes like this.  

When we're young, we have feminine and masculine characteristics as kids, and parents etc. allow and expect this.  When puberty hits, now it's time to MAN UP and start forgetting our childish ways.  As those hormones pump through our body and our sex drive kicks in, we self identify with everything masculine and deny everything feminine.  Our culture also pushes us along this path.  

This is where we cut off a part of us. 

As we get older, we find ourselves slaves to being the man – earning the money, working, getting stronger, always performing and never resting.  It's completely unsustainable.  

We need to find a woman to help us recover, to nurture us, and to help us get the inner strength that we so desperately have cut off. We become dependent on women, and so begins the drama of relationships in which our neediness is constantly strangling the woman and her neediness does the same to the guy. 

Instead, if a guy can welcome feminine energy within himself, he unlocks the key to transformation.  

Why is this so?

Think about it.  How does any man become great at anything? He learns and practices it until he masters it.  

Yet think about what that entails… To learn something, we must admit that we don't know it…and that someone else does.  We then engage in a teacher/student relationship.  


The more readily we can receive a teaching from a wiser older teacher, the faster we can use it in our own life.  Of course, we need the masculine side to claim it and own it within ourself once we do have it, yet so many young guys go straight to this step and skip the receiving part.

"I already know that" or "I get it already", they spend as little time as possible in the uncomfortable stage of learning something new (for fear of being awkward)  and try to skip straight to the "I'm a badass".

There are so many wiser and more experienced men with gifts to share and so many young guys who will never receive those gifts because they unconsciously block out feminine energy from their mind and try to be the man.

Gifts of insights, of mindsets, of skills, of shortcut techniques, of powerful leverage.  When you start to get how this works, you can see how much faster it is to learn from a master rather than trying to "figure it out myself".

It's light-years faster to learn from a master.   

We know this from Star Wars – in order to be the Jedi, we have to train with Yoda, and yes he is going to embarrass us by exposing our weaknesses yet that is ultimately to help us become the Jedi Master.  

Unfortunately most guys are not willing to go through this. 

The resistance to the idea of gayness is the sign of this.  I don't go around celebrating gayness, since it's really not part of my life, but I am totally fine with other people doing their thing.  

In psychology, this can be interpreted as the older and wiser man imparting his psychological gifts to the younger man.  Similar to how a man's love for his mother is actually symbolic of a deep desire to re-enter the achetypal womb and transform himself in a newer and greater self (rather than Freud's limited and sexually-fixated theory of Oedipus).  

Here's a funny video showing how a simple touch can push a guy to anger so easily (I'm dying every time I watch this lol):

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