Do You Know the Difference Between Love and Neediness?
January 21st, 2008 by StephaneThere is a lot of confusion surrounding this, and I think a lot of HEALTHY behaviors have unfortunately been branded as “Wussy” or needy, and a lot of UNHEALTHY, needy behaviors are often associated with love.
So what’s the difference between LOVE and NEEDINESS?
First of all, we need to define love.
To me, love isn’t some crazy screwball energy that forces me to give away my power and to act like a moron. That’s what Hollywood teaches us about “true love” but it just isn’t true.
Another thing I never liked about our culture’s idea of love was that supposedly it’s something you “fall in”.
I don’t “fall in love” I CHOOSE TO LOVE.
Be careful of the language you use.
Choose your romantic phraseology wisely.
“Falling in love” is CUTE, but it is an unhealthy phrase because it implies a loss of control.
And I never liked the idea that “Attraction is not a choice”.
Correction:
We all have FREE WILL.
Attraction is not a choice for the average Barbie and Ken doll who live their entire lives in the lower three chakras (money, sex, and power).
Attraction IS A CHOICE to anyone with an open, balanced Heart Chakra. Once the heart is opened, mating instincts are no longer the driving force behind all of our decisions, choices, and actions.
Now, those of you who are ready to truly open your hearts; don’t be surprised if you feel vulnerable and sensitive as a result. This is normal.
This is why I always say, “Unconditional Love MINUS Putting up with crap = Happy.”
Open your heart, but not to everybody!
Now, why do we feel so vulnerable and sensitive when we open our hearts?
It’s because we live in a f*cked up world. This is why the average heart is only 3-5% open.
War, dis-ease, poverty, violence, hatred, jealousy, control, satanic cults, rape victims, serial killers, and the mean girl who laughed at you in high school.
It’s perfectly safe to open your heart, but only with people that will be nice to your heart. The moment you feel that feeling of discomfort in your solar plexus, learn to TRUST that feeling and get the hell away from this person.
That uncomfortable feeling in your solar plexus is designed to protect you, but you must listen to it. Trust me, if you opened your heart to someone who ended up lying and cheating, it only got to that point because you chose to actively ignore your solar-plexus chakra.
You gave away your power and let things go too far.
WHAT IS LOVE?
Love is an appreciation for something, or someone, or for yourself.
APPRECIATION.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Now you know what TRUE LOVE is. It is not some magical, all-powerful force that can make or break you.
I know about the thing where babies die if they aren’t loved, and I’m not doubting the importance of love. I’m just trying to separate love from the energy of DRAMA.
Have you noticed that so many energies seem to latch on to love?
You know what? I hear this one all the time. People who use LOVE as a justification for their STUPIDITY.
“But I love him!”
I hear this stuff all the time in my private practice, so what I do is tell her (or him) to replace the word LOVE with the word APPRECIATE. I do that with couples all the time, and it helps them to realize that they are mistaking love with neediness.
WHAT’S NEEDINESS?
Neediness, on the other hand, is obviously fear-based.
Think of someone who is “Dear to you”. With this person in mind, I’d like you to try on the following three sentences:
“I love [person]”
“I need [person]”
“I appreciate [person]”
Which one feels the healthiest and most peaceful to you?
Neediness is the underlying assumption that you are not complete unless you have some Barbie or Ken doll hanging off of you.
Neediness goes away completely when the following three conditions are met:
1- You have internalized the belief, “I AM Enough.”
2- You have balanced your Yin and Yang energies
3- You live in THE NOW.
HOW DO I KNOW I’M FEELING LOVE AND NOT NEEDINESS?
For one thing, Neediness is an energy that tends to live in the past and/or the future.
For example, someone dumps you, and for months you keep torturing yourself, thinking about the good times. That’s not love, it’s NEEDINESS.
Another example is that of CRUSHING on someone. Crushing is the act of making cute little movies in your head about being with someone in the future. Again, that’s not love, that’s neediness.
LOVE IS IN THE HERE AND NOW.
Also, try to forget this, “Until death do us part”. It’s unhealthy. It’s NEEDINESS disguised as virtue and love. It was appropriate at one time, but the time has come now for the religions to update themselves. It’s time to revise the old rules.
I like commitment, and I think it’s a very healthy and beautiful energy. But I choose to balance that energy with the energy of FREEDOM.
For example, I’m very loyal and committed to my sweetie, but the moment a person starts backstabbing me, lying to me, or trying to control me, I’m gone.
Love is an emotion, or an energy, that can only exist in the NOW moment, and it’s also a PEACEFUL emotion.
When you’re thinking about Barbie or Ken and have knots in your stomach, that’s neediness. It’s NOT LOVE.
TRUE love feels peaceful, lives in the present, and is an expression of appreciation.
Neediness is synonymous with DRAMA, STUPIDITY, CRUSHING, STRESS, WEAKNESS, and FEAR.
TRUE LOVE is synonymous with WISDOM, STRENGTH, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE, RESPECT, and PEACE.
[Stephane is the creator of the Girlfriend Training Program, a breakthrough spiritual-relationship program designed to help guys master their inner game issues and create lasting attraction with their girlfriends.]
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January 21st, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Excellent and wise advice I think.
Though I think attraction happens before choice - and we then choose what to do about it.
So in some attraction is pre-choice but love is definitely about choosing I think.
Thanks as always for a heart felt and thoughtful post.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Another wonderful post!
And boy do I know about the confusion…it is rampant.
To Love means to Value and the telling question is, What do we find ourselves valuing?
Because I’m going to say that Love, Genuine Love, REAL Love, extends itself FREELY, for the sheer Joy of it. Asking for nothing in return.
What most of us have been taught is “love”, isn’t. It’s NEED. And the easy way to tell is if there are ANY conditions on its extension. If there is a condition, then it’s NEED, not love.
Catering to our NEEDS leads to us being developmentally disabled, emotionally. We become emotional dependents and that’s when all the control games start. I guide to just say “no” to enabling dependencies.
January 24th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Yeah Steph really opened my eyes on this one a while ago when he first wrote it.
Sue Ann, you’re right on with that one. Conditional love is rampant in today’s society under the guise of love. I am realizing more and more of what love is and how much letting go (of old emotional patterns) is involved in experiencing unconditional love.
January 25th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Powerful post.
January 30th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Thank you for a refreshing, direct and honest expanation of the difference between love and need. The confusion between the two seems so insiduously conditioned into us - the whole ‘romantic dream’, that it is ‘normal’ to mistake need for love - almost no-one seems to be aware of the difference. And it causes so much suffering! I speak as someone ‘in recovery’ from getting myself mixed up in a situation where the difference between the two was not being recognized at all, and I didn’t ‘listen to my solar plexus’ and get out in time. A hard lesson. I will be more aware next time and make sure that I put LOVE first, not the PERSON first (ie attachment to the person).
February 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Agyana, I agree. The confusion is every where. Luckily people are starting to wake up and transformations are happening more and more.
February 3rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
I really enjoyed reading everyones spin on your Q . I feel the differance between neediness and love is very simple, “neediness” is all about one who is insecure, scared and a pinch of issues . “love” is always changing ,open, selfless. “neediness” is open closed case, selfish, co-dependent stuff. relationships are more of an assignment once we make the choice to have them and then, its what we do with them. create love I hope
February 3rd, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I have learrned this the hard way, but it you check your intentions first and have no agenda, you can be free from all who might want to weave you in thier web
February 4th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Great post… Steph killed my doubts with that post.
February 5th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Appreciate the comments Lizzi. I would also add that love is non-reactive, that is, it doesn’t not have any requirements but rather it loves just for the sake of loving (well I suppose that would be unconditional love).
March 24th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I really like this article. I have struggled with some of these emotions over the course of my adult life. The older I get, the more sensitive I become to societal pressures concerning marriage. It is almost as if it is more honorable to have married and divorced (at least once) than to never had been married. Most people go right to the ” I wonder what is wrong with this guy” thoughts. I hear what you are saying about commitment and self-preservation and agree totally. Thanks for the article. Feel free to wite or post on my blog if you please….. thanks tim
March 27th, 2008 at 12:25 am
Hey Tim, cool to hear it helped.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Great article. I am fairly new to this site and really getting a lot from it. I’m healing right now from a very unhealthy relationship and have been struggling as of late. This article really opened my eyes.
Quote “When you’re thinking about Barbie or Ken and have knots in your stomach, that’s neediness. It’s NOT LOVE.”
Wow, does that resonate!! I’ve been struggling to define what I’ve been feeling lately and that one sentence did the trick. Thanks!
April 24th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Hey Jay, great to hear you had a realization here…Steph really knows his stuff.