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Ryan’s Path Part I: The Fall into Reactive Resistence and Becoming Stuck in the Mind

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

I've decided to write a series of posts entitled "Ryan's Path" which describe my own personal experiences during this spiritual journey.

Originally I planned on focusing on writing only about my major breakthroughs on Yang Town and leaving out most of the personal details of the path yet I've come to realize this would be a huge disservice to those who are truly interested in spiritual growth.

I am now understanding that most of my own breakthroughs happened as a result of being on a certain path rather than a specific action that was taken.

 I've realized that life is not the result of a few huge decisions and subsequent planned actions, but rather, the result of many little decisions that spontaneously setup opportunities for big decisions that allow a person to take actions that will have a major impact on one's life.  (Yeah it's a mouthful, might want to re-read that one).

Therefore, the greatest gift I can give you, is probably a model of what a spiritual path looks like so you can redirect your own life and have some reassurance that you are headed in the right direction.

A few years ago, I lived like most guys out there.  I went out with my friends to parties, bars, and clubs (and occasionally strip clubs). I drank a whole bunch of beer on the weekends and occasionally hard alcohol (it was ok though, I was a fun drunk ;). 

A verteran of videogames, I played counterstrike and warcraft3:dota with great dedication and skill.  I didn't watch much tv but I did pride myself as staying up to date with the latest worldly events through online blogs and sites like digg. 

I studied business at a nearby college and ran a web design company in my free time.  I was pretty good with computers and technology in general, which made it very easy for me to download pirated versions of just about anything I wanted online; games, movies, music, audiobooks, porn….you name it.

I was also a big fan of self help, constantly striving to improve myself and create a better future. 

Growing up, I didn't understand women that well until I read Double Your Dating by David Deangelo, which opened up a whole new world for me.  Soon I was deep into serious relationship which I had no idea how to handle.  It became so bad that I had to end it and move on.

It hit me hard because I didn't understand relationships at all and I was used to having things figured out.  I could feel myself slipping into a place of deep regret and frustration.  Negative thoughts would come up accompanied by negative emotions.  

Being a guy who valued logic over emotions, I forced any negative feelings down and refused to feel sorry for myself.  I used my mind to think my way out of any depression.

For a while, it seemed to work and my regretful thoughts faded away as time passed.  During this time, I decided to dive into all the dating, seduction, and pickup material I could get my hands on. 

I learned all kinds of new theories surrounding evolution, genetics, biology emotions, NLP, psychology and more.  I learned how to "push the attraction buttons" of women.

I gained a depper understanding of the female perspective and how to communicate in a way that creates an emotional connection.  I realized I had to add more cockiness to my fun and easy going attitude and become a bit more stylish.

I began practicing my newfound understanding of women everwhere I went; parties, school, even out at stores. For a short period of time my "game" was good.  At one point I told a friend "let me interact with any attractive girl one on one and I'll have her attracted to me."

I met girls at clubs, at parties, online.  It had never been so easy.  My friends were quite amazed at my sudden change.  It seemed like I had finally accomplished my goal of figuring out women.

Soon I began seeing this one girl and things were going good until she ended it abruptly for no apparent reason.  I didn't really care about it too much but the event seemed to trigger all kinds of repressed emotions from the first relationship. 

My ego was hurt more than anything.

It was like the reality of all the regrets from before hit me like a ton of bricks, jump starting the mind's endless thoughts and mental projections.

I became stuck in my head.

The ego can easily become the origin of much suffering.  The events themselves are never as bad as they are when you replay them in your mind. 

The ego loves to be a victim, so it juices every detail of a trauma to enhance the perceived negative impact on you.

Slowly things began to change for the worse.  I started becoming more and more unhappy.  My jokes were no longer cocky and funny, they were just cocky.  My physical health started to decline; low energy, digestion problems, low immunity, lack of sex drive, and a host of other problems.

I had been resisting a persistent voice inside that kept pushing me to start a blog.  Finally, I surrendered to the calling and created a personal blogger account to record my experiences and major realizations in the hopes that I would be better off by having them as a reference in the future.

As my physical health continued to drop, I kept trying to avoid facing it until one day after being sick for 2 straight weeks from a bad virus infection (which was a regular occurance for me back then), I decided I had had enough.

It was time to regain my health.

I embarked on what I though would be a quick detour into the world of health….but what turned out to be the start of a life changing journey inward.

A way out of the mind…

…and into the spirit.